Sunday, July 6, 2014

Couch to 5k, progress this week, and frustrations.

Todd and I walking to church this morning
Todd and I are volunteering more at our church. Today was our first time as Ushers. It went pretty well. Next we are doing coffee hour volunteering. I really enjoy being apart of this local church community. Doing prayers and going to church each week really strengthens my confidence in people, myself, and god. After church we decided to go out for a sandwich from a new place called Potbelly. I had "The Mediterranean" without feta and extra veggies. My sandwich was really good but I forgot to ask for the herbed oil on top that would have added more flavor. The good thing was the sandwich was only $5 dollars. Smaller than subway 12 inch but better portioned and with homemade bread! Afterward Todd and I went to walk by the water.
Todd's sweet 'stache

Counseling and my health
Someone from my church suggested a behavioral health counselor to me because I have been expressing interest in going to counseling to her. I found out that my health insurance fully covers unlimited sessions with this therapist! I also have been thinking about setting up a physical with a doctor and going to a dentist because my insurance covers the basics. I haven't been to the doctor or dentist since maybe high school. I just have been procrastinating and neglect my health. No more though. Since my dads death I have been really thinking about trying to take care of myself more. I have also been looking into meetup groups for my eating disorder and other subjects in my life that I feel I need more support with. Eventually I would really like to have my extra skin removed. My health insurance covers the part of my stomach that hangs. I get rashes under that skin when exercising. My health insurance does not cover replacing my belly button or the upper part of my stomach. My belly button has rashes as well because of the extra skin. I feel that If I got the surgery I would want to take care of it all at once. Right now I'm focusing on priorities money wise so that might have to wait a few years.

Couch-to-5k / Positive self talk
I started the Couch-to 5k running plan with Todd 3 weeks ago. We are now on Week 4 workout 1. We are jogging 3 days per week. Short intervals at first than a build up to being able to jog 30 minutes without stopping. Then the plan is to sign up for a 5k race together.
Today's workout:
 Brisk five-minute warm up walk, then:

  • Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)
  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
  • Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes)
  • Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)
  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

This workout was so hard for me today. Not only physically but emotionally. During the first 3 minutes of jogging I kept shouting things to Todd like "my shirt is rolling up!", "my thighs are rubbing together!", "I'm chaffing!", "I hate my extra skin and fat!", and "I can't do this!". I feel bad for ruining Todd's workout because i'm sure its not fun jogging with someone shouting next to them the whole time. I'm so used to the elliptical at the gym (low impact) that when I go try to jog outside even for a few minutes it hurts because I am using new muscles than I'm not used to using. 

That negative self talk that I expressed while running today is something I am constantly struggling with inside of my head. During the major portion of my weight loss I was working on letting go of shame, guilt, and blame. I was learning to forgive myself and love myself. Once I let go I can stick to healthy goals. Somewhere along the way I lost track of that letting go and started going back into my patterns of self sabotage and word prisons, and binging on food. I need to remind myself daily of the right motivations to do things in life. Are my actions and thoughts motivated by love??

Negative motivations
  • I have to reach this point in life to be happy
  • I am not good enough until I do this
  • I'm not worth it
  • I have to do this for someone 
  • I give up
  • I have to be a certain size or number on the scale to be happy
and replace with...

Positive motivations
  • I do not put conditions on love for myself and truly care about myself. 
  • I forgive myself and let go of fear, shame, and guilt
  • I take take care of myself because I care about my physical and mental well being
  • I totally and completely love and accept myself with all my problems and all my limitations
  • I will use more compassion when thinking about myself

Healthy meal planning and minimalism
I have been doing better with my meal planning lately. Todd and I agreed that we need to start saving money. We agreed to stop any extra spending and too much going out to eat. I have been making more homemade meals at home. It helps to make big batches of stir fry or veggie pasta dishes to get us through the work week. We don't have a lot of stuff but it is disorganized. I have been looking into minimalist living. Maybe minimalism sits well with me because I was raised in a hoarder household. Really trying to figure out how I can add more value to my life and what brings value to my life. I decided that I really need to get rid of the extras I don't need in my cupboards. I also have been going through paper work and filing it for Todd and I. Its a big job because I just usually don't deal with paper work...bad I know...especially during tax season. I'm feeling pretty good with the changes we have been making so far!

I made this dish this last week from a cookbook called "vegan express". It seemed like a wierd combo with polenta, bok choy, spinach, seitan, and sun dried tomatoes but It was really good. The balsamic vinegar really pulled the flavors together. It made 5 servings and the whole plate about 500 calories! I'm not fully counting my calories everyday just days I'm unsure of my eating behaviors or days I think I will binge.
Seitan and polenta skillet with bokchoy, spinach and sauteed mini red potatoes.

Haircut / bangs
Last but not least If you haven't noticed already in this post I got a haircut with bangs! I haven't had bangs since middle school. I'm liking it so far. Its pretty easy to maintain. I just have to get a trim like once a month. Todd says I look like a hippie from the 60's lol! Then we both joked about how since he has a mustache I had to get a "forehead mustache". I know we are odd!

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